Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
