yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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