Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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