dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
