cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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