does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
