If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
