I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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