I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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