When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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