There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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