I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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