Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Ketchup is God's man juice
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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