Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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