i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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