there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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