Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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