I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
