Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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