omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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