If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
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