I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
