i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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