hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Ketchup is God's man juice
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize