You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
