why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm sobbing to NWA
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
