So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
