I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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