I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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