I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
