Please, let me fuck your mom
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
