got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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