I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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