So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
