I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
