Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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