Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
