why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
