That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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