I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
