What a fucking waste of an outfit
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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