Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Pants are for mortals
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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