get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
We named our party play list daddy issues
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
