My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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