You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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