Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
