ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize