Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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