areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize