Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
