How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
