I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
