I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My ass is underappreciated
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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