How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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