i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
