Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
