I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
