Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize