Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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