Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
