They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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